And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
