Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
