I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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