why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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