Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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