Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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