Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
