I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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