I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
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Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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