I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
