I just made out with a guy for $7.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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