i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
