I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
