I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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