she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
