Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In other news, I just burned my penis
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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