remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
