I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
