I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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