so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
