I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
