Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
