I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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