yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
