I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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