Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
