My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
