matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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