i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
