drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
