Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
