I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
