My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
