I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You pole danced in your parka.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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