After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
