I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
