PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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