respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
