Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
