Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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