meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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