i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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