Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
