I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
