FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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