Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
