Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
