I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
