Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
