I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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