you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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