i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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