I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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