Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
