i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
