making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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