I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
