my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
